Illiterature: Harry Potter & The Big Fat Payday

Bing! It's after midnight and the gag order on Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince is lifted...

Despite what Pope Benny The Rat and ex-Pope Johnny P. The Deuce said, here at the J.E.I. we think it's great that J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series has kids across the globe reading books and worshiping Satan. Studies show that the black arts is a fantastic way to build self-confidence, develop life goals and slaughter scores of animals*. Plus, it looks solid on a college application.

So to make sure the kinder-witchcraft momentum doesn't slow, we'd like to present the super-secret titles to the next seven Harry Potter books you can look forward to losing your minds over:

• Harry Potter & The Persistent Curse of Onan
• Harry Potter & The Jerking Circle of Bliss
• Harry Potter & The Lipstick Lesbian
• Harry Potter & The Over-Hyped Author
• Harry Potter & The Naboo Trade Embargo
• Harry Potter & The Big Fucking Dragon
• Harry Potter & The Really Important Character We Never Mentioned Until Now

* Studies do not show this.

Also in this series...

• Science Fictionology
• That Island Over There With The Trees
• Tom Wiffloo & The Lonesome Hangnail
• The Uncut Bible

Friday Round-Up: July 15, 2005

It's been a big week here at the JEI; we added a new column, wrapped up our Missing Commandments series, kicked off a new series, The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen, and our readermonkeys are multiplying like bacteria on a flush handle. The more people we can offend with out shenanigans, the happier we are.

So if it's your first time here or you've already got a drawer in our dresser, enjoy this week's Friday Round-Up.

Advertising Bad Art Correction Editorial Food Of The Gods For Sale Hot Or Not? Illiterature The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval Lost & Found

Lost TV News Poetry Science! The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen Soothing The Savage Breast Storytime Corner A Thousand Words Watercooler Wish List

Point your eyeballs at the JEI Archives, kids. All funny for no money.