Editorial: Missing Commandments (part 2)

Scholars agree, the "Ten" Commandments, as the ancient Israelites used to say, are "a steamy crock of shit."

But here at The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration we're always ready to take up the droopy slack left by organized religion. Continuing our multi-part series, we present to you more commandments that Moses never bothered to tell you about...

Thou shalt turn off the tv if no one is watching it. Thou shalt not use the word "like" in vain. Thou shalt not ask "a/s/l" Thou shalt not say "Yeah it is" unless debating a point. Thou shalt not say "sick" when thou meanst "terrific." Thou shall keep hand gestures to what is absolutely necessary. Thou shalt think twice before getting a tattoo. Thou does not need metal shoved through any part of thou's body. Thou shalt dress thine age. Thou shalt maintain a neat and tidy appearance. Thou shalt not wear ill-fitting bathing attire, even when alone. Thou shalt not wear unbuttoned shirts or have pointy nipples and still condemn thine neighbor for glancing.

Also in this series...

• Missing Commandments (part 1)
• Truth In Advertising
• So Much For Buying Respect
• Food Horrible Food

We Feel So Cheap...

Also in this series...

• Surely Hemphill
• Lithgow
• Orleans Horsemeat Dog Food
• The High Roller's Club of Monte Carlo

News: Your Next American Idol

No, it's not an editorial, Timmy. The public has demanded that The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration endorse a candidate for American Idol and our finally doing so is nothing short of stop-the-presses news.


Could we possibly back anyone other than "white velvet" himself, Scott Savol? Whether woo-woo-wooing his way through his eyeglass-flinging rendition of "Against All Odds," giving that bi-yotch Simon his trademark half-lidded hairy eyeball, or just chillin' with a baby-mama smackdown, Scott rocks a mic like a vandal and waxes a chump like a candle, embodying the class and dignity we've come to expect from Idol. Go Scotty. It is indeed your birfday.

Also in this series...

• And A Habemus Papam To You!

The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IV

We've lowered our expectations of these bums. How can we expect other sites to match the boundless generosity we bestow with our star-making J.E.I. Seal of Approval? We can't. It's just not reality, and we're all about the real. Enjoy and pity this latest offering.

• Infiltration.org
  "The 'zine about going places you're not supposed to go." Word to your mother, fellas...
  
• TheSuperficial.com
  We bask in the blazing sun that is The Superficial's attitude. If we die, promise us you'll marry this site, OK honey?
  
• HouseOfFun.com
  The official site of Evan Dorkin & Sarah Dyer, where you can learn all about their nifty comics (Milk & Cheese, Hectic Planet, Action Girl, Dork!, etc...).
  
• BunnyBass.com Amusing Bass Galleria
  A collection of the most wonderfully hideous bass guitars you're ever gonna find. We want them all, to love and to destroy. We will destroy the basses with our love.
  

Well done, all. Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Also in this series...

• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval III
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval II
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval I

A Thousand Words: Press Button, Receive Bacon

Sometimes the little things make us giggle. You know, the little "spur of the moment" jokes that come to you in the strangest places, like that time... uh... eh. nevermind, we got nothing. Can't expect our "A" game for every entry, can you? For Christ's sake, we're not B.J. Hunnicut.


Also in this series...

• Yes Sir
• Problem Solved
• Not Electric, It Is Pleasant
• We Couldn't Agree More

Lost TV: The Munsters

Sure, zombies are more popular than ever these days, but it's not hard to recall Lyndon B. Johnson's America, when the living just had no love for the undead. But the past is the past, so how's about we give up a little overdue philia for the our favorite necros? Better late than never, right?

• Below is a TV Guide synopsis of an episode of "The Munsters” that would have aired, had CBS not cancelled the show just days before...
  

  
  September 25, 1966
  The Munsters (CBS): Grandpa and Herman introduce Eddie to the madcap rite of passage known as “taking a human life.” Fred Gwynne, Yvonne DeCarlo, Al Lewis. 30 min.

Also in this series...

• Hogan's Heroes
• The Andy Griffith Show
• Wild Kingdom

Illiterature: That Island Over There With The Trees

More gentle reading, gentle reader, this time from J.M. Synge’s (1871-1909) second novel, “That Island Over There With The Trees.”

"...On some days I feel this island as a perfect home and resting place; on other days I feel that I am a waif among the people. Yesterday, I talked with a local fisherman at length about his cleft palate, though much of our conversation was lost on me due to that very subject. Still, we parted as though old comrades of the sea, exchanging the customary rubbing of body parts before going our separate ways..."

Also in this series...

• Tom Wiffloo & The Lonesome Hangnail
• The Uncut Bible

Editorial: Missing Commandments (part 1)

Despite what was drilled into your impressionable little head at Sunday School, the Ten Commandments weren't as cut and dry as Cecil B. DeMille would have you believe (however, Moses probably was a lot more like Chuck Heston than history would prefer to admit).

So what if Mo forgot or dropped a few tablets? Those suckers were stone for Yaweh's sake! Young theologians, don't fret-- The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration is here to keep it real, dawg. In a a multi-part series, we present to you the commandments that never made it down off the mountain...

Thou shalt not spit. Thou shalt not litter. Thou shalt not fart in elevators. Thou shalt make no vocal sounds in public restrooms, no matter what horrors art occurring. Thou shalt flush. Thou shalt not talk in the movies, even during the previews. Thou shalt not take up the entire escalator. Thou shalt not make a mess at the salad bar. Thou shall shower before entering the pool area. Thou shalt not pee in the pool (thou may pee in the ocean). Thou shalt not speak loudly ever. Thou shalt be aware of thine own halitosis.

Also in this series...

• Truth In Advertising
• So Much For Buying Respect
• Food Horrible Food