Friday Round-Up: August 5, 2005

The JEI update machine was chugging along full steam this week, so be sure to catch up on all your required reading before turning in for the night.

Articles on deck after the weekend: another chapter from everybody's favorite superpal, more morph-errific ephemedia, and everything you ever wanted to know about your favorite Japanese snack food. (no, not wasabi peas, those things are like congealed puke balls). And a bit more of our usual nonsense, shenanigans (but not so much tomfoolery) See you in a day or so.

Advertising As authentic as anything else we do. Pencil Portraits By Chris Hey! It's Another Snotty Ad Parody! We Feel So Cheap... They Swear The Check Is In The Mail... We've Gotta Pay The Bills Somehow... We'll Be Back After These Messages... And Now A Word From Our Sponser... Bad Art We don't know a lot about art but we know what we hate. Sheep With A Barn Jesus Out To Lunch Scary Tree Correction A.K.A "Please withdraw your lawsuit." We Don't Dwell On Your Mistakes. Editorial Opinions are like bellybuttons: a useless deforming scar. Missing Commandments (part 6) Missing Commandments (part 5) Missing Commandments (part 4) Missing Commandments (part 3) Missing Commandments (part 2) Missing Commandments (part 1) Truth In Advertising So Much For Buying Respect Food Horrible Food Ephemedia Nifty sounds and video guaranteed to crash your computer. Lennon/Lemmon/Spacey/Reiser Feature Articles Finally, some meat on this bone. The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 4) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 3) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 2) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 1) Food Of The Gods Would that we could eat like them. The Fool's Gold Loaf For Sale Caveat Emptor. Seriously. Refreshing Prayer Candles A Message To Other Criminal Guitars Murdercedes Hot Or Not? Celebrities ridicule the insecure. Fun. James Brown... Well, We're Not Really Sure Let's Hear From James Brown Jerry Lewis Has Had Enough Jerry Lewis Keeps It Real Jerry Lewis Knows Illiterature Because reading is fundemental. Harry Potter & The Big Fat Payday Science Fictionology That Island Over There With The Trees Tom Wiffloo & The Lonesome Hangnail The Uncut Bible Lost & Found Uniting keepers and weepers. Extra-Krispy Kreme Strap On... Strap Off... Innappropriate [sic] Language

Lost TV Untold tales of the glowing glass teat. Sanford & Son The Dukes of Hazzard Match Game PM M*A*S*H The Munsters Hogan's Heroes The Andy Griffith Show Wild Kingdom News Stop the presses. Cartoon World Mourns Death Of Jabberjaw Olympics & Pans Mississippi No Longer Burning, Itching Persists Get Away From Her, You Bi-yotch! Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar Tough Break, Chekov You Was Robbed, Dawg Your Next American Idol And A Habemus Papam To You! Poetry There once was a girl from Nantucket... The Wind & The Bird Remember, George, No Man Is A Failure Who Has Friends... The Savage Breast Music, not boobs. Master It! Science! What she blinded us with. Seriously, What The Hell? There Is No God Seal Of Approval Sites that don't suck so much. The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval X The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IX The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VIII The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VII The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VI The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval V The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IV The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval III The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval II The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval I Storytime Corner Once upon a time... . A Wee Nancy Story A Thousand Words What a picture is worth, depending on exchange rates. This Looks Like A Job For Letterman Tonytown Full Frontal Green Pepper Like Sacks Of Wet Cement The Love God Press Button, Receive Bacon Yes Sir Problem Solved Not Electric, It Is Pleasant We Couldn't Agree More Watercooler Intercepted communications amongst the staff. Pot Yuck Wish List Or, as Black Flag said, "Gimme gimme gimme." The Real Batmobile Shag Disneyland Prints Batgirl Barbie Bible Bars Tie Fighter Desk Karatist Preacher

Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Ephemedia: Lennon/Lemmon/Spacey/Reiser

We don't really have any snarky commentary for this one; we just think it's cool and wanna show off. Enjoy.

For Sale: Refreshing Prayer Candles

Giant Food, Kemp Mill, MD (next to the Snow Bear™ Ice Pops and above the Jamaican Ginger™ soda and Inca Kola™). Three delicious flavors: Guardian Angel Apple™, Virgin Guadalupe Grape™, and St. Jude Thadeus Juniper™. $1.29 each, or $1.38 per pound.




Also in this series...

• A Message To Other Criminal Guitars
• Murdercedes

The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 4)

Hey laa, hey laa Jimmy Olsen's back, with more remembrances of things past, or as he likes to call it...

Hi again gang, it's your pal Jimmy here. This time around it's more college fun with the superheroes!

By this time, most of them were starting to form unofficial groups-- the most obvious was the way Pete Parker and his "marvels" kept to themselves more and more. They'd still show up to the parties, but you could tell they really didn't want much interaction with Mr. Kent and his crowd. Once Mr. Kent caught me talking to Steve Rogers (Captain America), and ended up holding me off the roof by my foot until I promised not to do it again. He was right, of course; in life it's important to be loyal.
Super beers for superheroes! Boy, I could never drink like Mr. Kent or Ms. Prince. I guess it was their powers that gave them such high tolerance to alcohol, because me, one "toasted almond" and I was sunk. But for all he drank, I never once saw Mr. Kent use the bathroom. I asked him once if people from Krypton ever peed, and he said, "What do you think flying is for, kid?" If you look closely behind Diana, you can see Barbara Gordon is kind of upset; right before I took this photo, Diana planted a big kiss right on Barbara's lips. She probably had too much to drink and thought Barbara was Mr. Wayne or something; their costumes were pretty similar.
There's Barbara, a little happier this time. Back then Mr. Wayne was pretty sensitive about his weight, so we tried not to mention it. Crimefighting would eventually help him lose the pounds, but he just didn't have the willpower to knock off the Krispy Kreme runs in the Batmobile after a nighttime patrol. And Dick Grayson was always the life of the party. He used to date a lot of "dancers" in those days.
It took Billy Batson a while to figure out his Captain Marvel personae. Since he never actually saw himself after he transformed into the Captain, he would wear his costume all the time, not realizing that would result in his superhero guise wearing street clothes. Mr. Kent wouldn't let anyone tell him for the longest time; we all had a good laugh. Barry Allen was a new face at the parties, and a nice enough guy, but was always doing that thing where he'd tap me on the shoulder then race to the other side of the room. It was annoying, but at least he'd stopped pantsing me.
Logan had taken to just growling at me, I don't think from this point on he ever said any actual words to me again. Though Mr. Kent had warned me to stay away from Steve Rogers, he was actually kind of a fun guy. Mr. Kent made uniforms a requirement for the superhero parties unless you were a guest, and the picture above shows what Stave came up with after Mr. Kent hid his Captain America suit. Boy, nothing fazed that guy. Steve was cool.
Those days, Thor never went anywhere without Po, his "sidekick" . I put that in quotes because Po never did any real crimefighting, but would manage wardrobe, schedule appearances, give massages, that sort of thing. It all seemed a bit fussy, but then again he was European. And finally there's Parker, the jerk. He'd just pull on his mask and not wear his suit, like he didn't even care about keeping his identity a secret. He said it helped the "ladies know who the man saving the day" was, but I knew the truth; he was just a lazy bum.

Next week, the superheroes head out into the real world. Until then, this has been Jimmy Olsen, your super pal!

Also in this series...

• The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 3)
• The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 2)
• The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 1)

Bad Art: Sheep With A Barn

Another Skree-tacular Skree-ation, brimming with all the subtle irony and humorous incongruence hitherto reserved for only the most precious of Family Circus love-bubbles.

Clearly responding to lingering racial tensions, Skree offers an acrylic balm entitled "Sheep With A Barn." Rising above the "There goes the neighborhood" thinking of the turbulent '60s, it speaks to the hopeful masses; the lone black lamb manages to proudly stand his ground among his numerous cracker brethren, while three judgmental clouds point their accusing tentacles at the blood-red house of "the man." Right on, brother.

Plus, the sheep are just so fwuffy an' kewt.
Also in this series...

• Jesus Out To Lunch
• Scary Tree

Lost TV: Sanford & Son

It's never a good sign when the best thing about a television sitcom was its theme song.

Be that as it may, Sanford & Son ran for 136 episodes and inspired a spin-off or three. It also has the distinction of being one those ballsy shows that said "screw it" and continued production when it's main star wouldn't ink his renewal contract, explaining that the character of Fred Sanford was "visiting relatives" in the third season. The show must go on, indeed.

• Below is a TV Guide synopsis of an unaired "very special episode" that until now has been locked away in an underground salt mine storage facility in Hutchinson, KS.
  

  
  September 14, 1973
  Sanford & Son (NBC): Fred "cries wolf" one too many times about the "big one" resulting in a stroke that goes unnoticed by Aunt Esther for three days. Meanwhile, Grady and Bubba are caught stealing from the junkyard cash box, resulting in a beating and special lesson is trust by Lamont and Rollo. Redd Foxx, Demond Wilson, Whitman Mayo. 30 min.

Also in this series...

• The Dukes of Hazzard
• Match Game PM
• M*A*S*H
• The Munsters
• Hogan's Heroes
• The Andy Griffith Show
• Wild Kingdom

A Thousand Words: This Looks Like A Job For Letterman

"First impressions be damned," thought Kim, though from that point on he'd no longer trust his brother-in-law with quality control...


Also in this series...

• Tonytown
• Full Frontal Green Pepper
• Like Sacks Of Wet Cement
• The Love God
• Press Button, Receive Bacon
• Yes Sir
• Problem Solved
• Not Electric, It Is Pleasant
• We Couldn't Agree More