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Friday, April 22, 2005
Hot Or Not? Jerry Lewis Has Had Enough
It's our fault. We saw the line and left a skid mark far beyond it. Jerry Lewis is pissed and can you blame him? The pimply and diseased freaks at Hot Or Not are really just too much for one man to bear, so with thanks and apologies to Jerry, we'll ask him to take one more peek. After that, we're gonna have to find a celebrity judge by making cold-calls out of the Day Planner® we lifted from Mike Ovitz's convertible last month. If that doesn't pan out, Paris Hilton's T-Mobile Sidekick® is gonna have to be hacked again. Sorry, kitten.
 | "You morons are killing me. If I wanted to spend my time looking at herpes, I'd head over to Tony Bennett's house, you schmucks. Enough. Send my check to my girl, I'm going." |
Also in this series...
The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval III
Ingrates. That's all we have to say. Here at The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration we go out of our way to pimp our fine stable of readers to fledgling sites, but do we even get a peep of gratitude? Nothing!
- Paul Champagne Custom DVD Cases
This fella creates custom metal DVD collection cases for those obsessive types who need to have their Evil Dead trilogy discs together (damned alphabet) of just want a kick-ass old school case for their Star Wars flicks (the sucky and non-sucky ones). - Chank.com
Really cool (and many free) fonts, plus tips on how to make your own. Don't care about fonts? Well, screw you, buddy! - BitterWaitress.com
Fantastic. The J.E.I. is always a supporter of petty and useless revenge. Food servers bitch about celebrities and regular folk who are just too damned cheap to pay extra for saliva-free meals. - Inconspicuous Consumption
Paul Lukas seems to have abandoned the site (and it's sister print publication, Beer Frame), but there's still gold under the cobwebs. Read the site, order the back issues of the 'zine, even buy his book. Maybe one day he'll remember his roots.
Well done, all. Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!
Also in this series...
Lost TV: Hogan's Heroes
We're back with yet another installment of Lost TV. The Nazis wouldn't have gotten such a bad rap had they put Klink in charge. And not killed all those dudes. Two simple changes that would have re-written history books...
- Below is a TV Guide synopsis of an unaired episode of the holocaust sitcom "Hogan's Heroes”...
April 12, 1964
Hogan's Heroes (CBS): Hogan and the gang help Schultz replace the Colonel’s favorite riding crop, broken while the sergeant was using it to savagely beat LeBeau. Bob Crane, Werner Klemperer, John Banner, Larry Hovis. 30 min.
Also in this series...
Illiterature: Tom Wiffloo & The Lonesome Hangnail
In our continuing effort to bring you wee blobs of modern culture, we present the following excerpt from page-churner Stephen King's upcoming book, “Tom Wiffloo & The Lonesome Hangnail”
"… The five boys met down at the parking lot behind the burned out remains of Foley’s department store. It was a summer meeting place where teams were regularly chosen for stickball, or kickball, or street hockey, or whatever the day decided. Today, the sun was especially hot and so, since there were not enough of them for fair teams, the boys decided to spend the afternoon swimming in the cool water of the abandoned quarry at the edge of town. And, wanting to waste none of their precious vacation, they were off, five boys on three bikes, all pumping legs and waving arms and summer laughter.
Finally, they reached the barrier of trees surrounding the quarry and dropped their bikes where they stopped. They undressed quickly to their underwear and ran unerringly through the woods to the edge of the vast pool. They reached the quarry almost simultaneously and, as if inspired by the sound of their own cheers, dove in.
Only moments had passed before each boy was pulling himself out onto the rocks, sobbing and gasping; the summer had gone wrong. The boys ran home, crying, without looking at each other, without looking back.
Someone had filled the quarry with vomit."
Also in this series...
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Editorial: Truth In Advertising
Here at the J.E.I. we think the American consuming public is primed for brutal truth in advertising: sell more Chia Pets by advertising it as an unwanted gag gift; sell more fancy toothbrushes by using the word "fancy" in your ad; move more Star Wars action figures by running the ads on pay-per-view porn channels.
It’s simple, really… admit your audience and your product. If you told us that your new brand of bubblegum X loses flavor really fast, but is unbelievably tasty for a minute or so, we’d probably give it a spin. If you admitted that your electric razor has none of that "floating head" nonsense, but it gave you a pretty good shave for the money, we think people would appreciate it. Is that so hard? Anyway, here are a few suggestions for other products...
Olestra
”You'll get the leaky shits, but won't you look trim?”Utz Popcorn
”Sure, it's kinda stale, but it's easier than popping it yourself!”Diet Coke
”Our cans look a lot less white-trashy than Pepsi.”Scotch Brand Tape
”Pay a little extra for the assurance that your packages won't look like shit.”Marlboro Lights
”Let's face it, a cigarette is a cigarette, but at least you'll be able to pretend you're making an effort.”Manischewitz Unleavened Matzah
”Be a good Hebrew.”Oscar Mayer Bologna
”Somehow, we seem less disgusting than a local brand.”Microsoft
”We'll get you.”Tic Tacs
”Admit it-- you buy them for the box.”Motorola Personal Communicators
”Now responsible for only 10% of the nation's brain cancer!”Honda
”It's the best you can afford.”Stetson
”What's a little hat-hair?”Nike
”We make shoes for whitey, too.”Sears
”Fashion, schmashion.”K-Mart
”Let's face it, you're a little strapped, huh?”Maxwell House
”Good enough to drink!”LL Bean
”When's the last time you actually went for a hike?”American Standard
”Don't be embarrassed by your crapper.”Victoria's Secret
”Yeah, right...you just need the right bra to look like this.”Empress Toilet Tissue
”When it's only an employee's ass, one-ply is plenty.”
Also in this series...
Hot Or Not? Jerry Lewis Keeps It Real
He's large and in charge. Once again, Jerry Lewis is back to tell all the chumps at Hot Or Not to check themselves before they wreck themselves. So without further ado, here's Jerry to tell all you hotties and notties the whole truth and nothing but...
| "I swear, I'm gonna be sick. Sweetheart, I'd like to introduce you to my doctor, Dr. Mel Anoma!. What can I say but not? Now excuse me, I'm going to go retch into the umbrella stand!" |  |
Also in this series...
The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval II
The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration is magnanemous in our support and promotion of our web bretheren. But do we get anything in return? A plug? A simple referral? Not a crumb. OK, screw thse guys. Read their sites, but dammit, don't think about enjoying it.
- EphemeraNow.com
If our hearts weren't shrunken lumps of black tar, this is the kind of site we'd create. - Spaced-Out.org.uk
If you're in the U.S.of A. you probably haven't even heard of Spaced much less seen an episode. But take it from us, it's the best-written, most pop-culture reference-riddled and downright coolest sitcom we've ever seen. Did you like Shaun of the Dead? It's the same people. - TheNewPornographers.com
Not what you're thinking, probaby... it's band. A Canadian band, but don't let that throw you, they write and perform clever, catchy and complex pop music that will make you realize just how insipid most top 40 bands are. - DeadOrAliveInfo.com
Is Abe Vigoda still alive? You'd better check before you ask him to pick up your mail while you're on vacation.
Well done, all. Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!
Also in this series...
A Thousand Words: Problem Solved
What concerns us more is that the patrons of whatever multicultural establishment this is had to be told. Honestly, isn't it fairly easy in modern society to discern where you can and cannot poop? Not to mention... it's the swearing, Paul. There, we said it.
Also in this series...
Lost TV: The Andy Griffith Show
We're back with another installment of Lost TV. This week we explore a popular subject here at the J.E.I.: the seedy undertones running through the placid hamlet of Mayberry...
- Below is a TV Guide synopsis of an unaired episode of "The Andy Griffith Show”...
March 14, 1963
The Andy Griffith Show (CBS): Opie learns a valuable lesson in privacy after mistaking Aunt Bea’s impressive assortment of bizarre and disturbing marital aids for bathtub toys. Andy Griffith, Don Knotts, Ronnie Howard, Francis Bavier. 30 min.
Also in this series...
A Thousand Words: Not Electric, It Is Pleasant
It's not the sex with machines we object to. Nor is it the human-like torso that has been bolted on to the chassis in a Robocopian manner... it's that he just won't look us in the eye. It's almost as if he'd *sniff* rather be elsewhere than making sweet love to us... we knew we should have never have gotten involved with our doctor...
Also in this series...
Illiterature: The Uncut Bible
The following is an excerpt from our own Dr. Chalazion's upcoming book, “Gold, Frankenscence, Muhrr & Assorted Nuts”
"… by reinserting the edited text, the entire meaning of a verse has been altered significantly.
In other cases, the reintroduction of these once-lost words and phrases can leave the intended message relatively intact, and yet still change in remarkable ways the overall atmosphere of any given passage. In the case of the “Sermon on the Mount,” no in-depth analysis is necessary to realize that the event itself was probably a most grueling engagement under an unrelenting desert sun. But, whatever other talents he may have possessed, the Messiah’s physical stamina certainly has to come into question when we are presented with the true final moments of His address as revealed here; Jesus, no doubt reeling from the heat, imparted His cryptic closing wisdom, “Blessed are the carp, for they shall be shiny,” after which the Son of God apparently took four or five steps and vomited onto his own sandaled feet."
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Hot Or Not? Jerry Lewis Knows
We'll admit it. We've spent a few afternoons here at the J.E.I. compound chuckling over the inflated egos and quiet desperation on display at Hot Or Not. But really, who are we to judge? Well, compared to Jerry Lewis, we don't know squat. So to all you hot-or-not-ers out there, pay attention. Jerry's gonna set the record straight.
| "Oy the raccoon eyes! Maybe if you gave Max Factor the night off your pores would stop with the acne like a volcano and the hot lava and the hoisen claven... lay-dee! Darling, you may never walk alone, but you might have to wear a bag over your head. I gotta say... not." |  |
Soothing The Savage Breast: Master It!
Or is it beast? Who cares. As Kikki Dee said, " I got the music in me," and based on the following excerpt from the recently unearthed Mel Bay publication Master It! (For Electric Guitar), I think we now know just what she meant.
 | Experience the unique brand of gratification and intense pleasure that only comes with total mastery of your instrument. Some instructional methods think it's enough to give you the basic mechanics, but we realize that getting a few tasty licks under your belt is really just scratching the shiny surface of self-expression. There's so much more to this magnificent piece of wood, and playing with it is only the beginning. In this richly illustrated hands-on series, the pros show you how to: |
Adjust your delay... Tweak your flanger... Wipe your strings... Blow your vocoder... Polish your axe... Roll your strap... Set your action... Funk your Wagnells... Fingertap your neck... Drive your tube amp... Wiggle your quarter inch jack... Wrap your cable... Replace your nut... Try out a fatter chorus... Punch up your low end...
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