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Friday, July 8, 2005

News: Olympics & Pans


The International Olympic Committee has decided that baseball and softball events will not be part of the 2012 London games. Well, fine by us. An informal poll across the JEI compound shows that we'd be OK with eliminating all team sports from the games. And eliminating shoes.


But the IOC gonna do what the IOC gonna do, and there's still a slew of silly "sports" polluting the greeky games. Let's take a look at a few of the thrilling events from days past no one watched on the 3am NBC triplecast:

  • Archery (1900-1020, 1972-)
  • Backgammon (1960-1972)
  • Badminton (1992-)
  • Ballroom Dancing (1932-1936)
  • Baseball (1992-2008)
  • Basketball (1936-)
  • Beach Volleyball (1996-)
  • Boxing (1904-)
  • Canoeing (1936-)
  • Craps (1964-1976)
  • Cycling (1896-)
  • Decathlon (1896-)
  • Diving (1904-)
  • Equestrian (1900-)
  • Faith Healing (1988-1996)
  • Fencing (1896-)
  • Field Hockey (1908-)
  • Fishing (1924-1936)
  • Goose-Stepping (1932-1936)
  • Gymnastics (1896-)
  • Hackysack (1988-1992)
  • Handball (1936-)
  • Hand-Jiving (1952-1964)
  • Jenga (1992-1996)
  • Judo (1964-)
  • Jumping (1896-)
  • Kick The Can (1904-1924)
  • Log-Rolling (1980-1984)
  • Marathon (1896-)
  • Mountain Biking (1996-)
  • Mumblety-Peg (1960-1968)
  • Parallel Parking (1976-1992)
  • Pattycaking (1960-1964)
  • Pentathlon (1912-)
  • Pie-Eating (1976-1984)
  • Pie-Throwing (1976-1980)
  • Red Rover Red Rover (1984-1988)
  • Rowing (1900-)
  • Sailing(1900-)
  • Shooting (1896-)
  • Sit-Ups (1952-1956)
  • Soccer (1900-)
  • Softball (1996-2008)
  • Speed-Dialing (1988-1992)
  • Swimming (1896-)
  • Synchronized Swimming (1984-)
  • Table Tennis (1988-)
  • Taekwondo (2000-)
  • Tennis (1896-1924, 1988-)
  • Throwing (1896-)
  • Tickle Fighting (1972-1976)
  • Tiddlywinks (1956-1960)
  • Track (1896-)
  • Triathlon (2000-)
  • Tug-Of-War (1900-1952)
  • Volleyball (1964-)
  • Water Polo (1900-)
  • Weightlifting (1896-)
  • Wound Debreeding (1924-1932)
  • Wrestling (1896-)
    • But there is a bright side-- had the 2012 games had been awarded to Paris, the French would almost certainly have insisted on the inclusion of their national sport, smoking.


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    Friday Round-Up: July 8, 2005


    Our condolences, Londoners; in the annals of history, this week will truly be known as a right motherfucker.


    First, you were forced to grimace and clap politely whilst Sir Paul wheezed his way though a warbly set that ignored the last 35 years of his output, then you learn you're forced to spiff up the city and let the Olympics snarl your traffic in 2012, and then, of course, the non-funny thing.


    So we completely understand that you haven't had a chance to keep up with the JEI. So to all our limey pals, we present the Friday Round-Up. Pip pip. Cheerio and all that rot.


  • Advertising
  • Bad Art
  • Correction
  • Editorial
  • For Sale
  • Hot Or Not?
  • Illiterature
  • The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval
  • Lost & Found
  • Lost TV
  • News
  • Poetry
  • Science!
  • Soothing The Savage Breast
  • Storytime Corner
  • A Thousand Words
  • Watercooler
  • Wish List

    • 'Ow 'bout a row through the JEI Archives, gov'ner? Bob's your uncle they puts a smile on yer gob.
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    Wednesday, July 6, 2005

    Bad Art: Scary Tree


    This painting, "Scary Tree," is offered as an eBay auction ending July 13; Buy It Now for only $40 plus $15 shipping. Competition may not be a concern.
    Visit the Skree-ations eBay store for more, uh, art.


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    A Thousand Words: Tonytown


    The blank space on the Chevy Chase Bank sign taunted Tony, who deep down knew that his drive for a strip mall empire had reached it's end...


    Also in this series...
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    Lost & Found: Extra-Krispy Kreme


    Found: One Bug
    Location: A delicious Krispy Knibble®
    Date: June 24, 2000

    See anything unusual?


    Neither did we, at first. But then...




    Hm. Interesting... not really gross but certainly something we're glad we didn't eat. Maybe we wouldn't have even noticed? Who knows? The FDA says it's OK for us to eat bugs, so bon appétit, right?.


    Bottom line: if you're not knee-jerk litigious, or a scam artist, $2.29 (plus tax) + a bonus bugaboo + an email (with photos) to Krispy Kreme customer service = an urgent call from a regional director, and a delivery of four ginormous boxes of donuts and a spiffy Krispy Kreme sweatshirt to the JEI compound, in person by a local manager with his deepest apologies. Hooray!



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    Sunday, July 3, 2005

    Pencil Portraits By Chris


    With all the glib nose-thumbing we do, our karma builds up so much grime and scale that we need to help a brother out from time to time with a little free promotion. But don't think we're going soft, hah? Paulie Walnuts is still gonna be by first thing Monday to collect the vig on the large you owe.


    Pencil Portraits by Chris start at $150. Chris claims:

    "Pencil portraits make unique, creative, personal gifts and keepsakes that will be treasured for a lifetime. Imagine owning or giving an heirloom that will be admired for years to come."


    Imagine indeed, because I think you're gonna have to. Oh, snap!

    Also in this series...
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