Inspiration Blog 2011: 2005-07-10

Friday, July 15, 2005

Illiterature: Harry Potter & The Big Fat Payday

Bing! It's after midnight and the gag order on Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince is lifted...

Despite what Pope Benny The Rat and ex-Pope Johnny P. The Deuce said, here at the J.E.I. we think it's great that J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series has kids across the globe reading books and worshiping Satan. Studies show that the black arts is a fantastic way to build self-confidence, develop life goals and slaughter scores of animals*. Plus, it looks solid on a college application.

So to make sure the kinder-witchcraft momentum doesn't slow, we'd like to present the super-secret titles to the next seven Harry Potter books you can look forward to losing your minds over:

Harry Potter & The Persistent Curse of Onan
Harry Potter & The Jerking Circle of Bliss
Harry Potter & The Lipstick Lesbian
Harry Potter & The Over-Hyped Author
Harry Potter & The Naboo Trade Embargo
Harry Potter & The Big Fucking Dragon
Harry Potter & The Really Important Character We Never Mentioned Until Now

* Studies do not show this.

Also in this series...

Friday Round-Up: July 15, 2005

It's been a big week here at the JEI; we added a new column, wrapped up our Missing Commandments series, kicked off a new series, The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen, and our readermonkeys are multiplying like bacteria on a flush handle. The more people we can offend with out shenanigans, the happier we are.

So if it's your first time here or you've already got a drawer in our dresser, enjoy this week's Friday Round-Up.

The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval

The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen

Soothing The Savage Breast

Point your eyeballs at the JEI Archives, kids. All funny for no money.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 1)

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Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Wish List: Shag Disneyland Prints

Adventureland Print
Originally uploaded by megpi.

A set of five limited edition serigraphs hand-signed and numbered by Shag will run you a grand, or you can drop ten large on any one of the original paintings if you have the means. We'll leave the choice up to you, just let us know what day to be available to sign for the FedEx shipment.

Also in this series...

Food Of The Gods: The Fool's Gold Loaf

Pauline Nicholson, Elvis Presley's cook, who prepared the King's favorite peanut butter and fried banana sandwiches, died July 7 of cancer. She was 76.

For comfort food, you just couldn't beat the menu at Graceland. In addition to Pauline's aforementioned PB&Bs, there was ugly steak, meat loaf, mashed potatoes, onion gravy, poke greens, crowder peas, buttermilk biscuits, Wonder Bread, sweet potato pie, fruit cocktail with mini-marshmallows, and all the Diet Shasta you could want, all available 24 hours a day.

So in tribute to Pauline, the JEI would like to present our favorite Elvis recipe (sadly, not a Pauline invention, but a $50 specialty from the Colorado Gold Mine Company restaurant in Glendale, CO), as detailed in David Adler's book, "The Life & Cuisine of Elvis Presley." We're sure Pauline would have approved.

Fool's Gold Loaf
2 tablespoons butter
1 loaf Italian white bread
1 pound lean bacon
1 large jar Skippy smooth peanut butter
1 large jar Smucker's grape jelly
Preaheat the oven to 350ºF. Spread the butter generously over all sides of the loaf. Place bread on a baking sheet in the oven. Meanwhile, fry the bacon until it is crisp and drain it thoroughly on paper towels. Remove the loaf from the oven when it is evenly browned, after approximately 15 minutes. Slice the loaf lengthwise and hollow out the interior, leaving as much bread along the walls as desired. While the bacon is still warm, fill the insides of the loaf with peanut butter and jelly to taste. Arrange the bacon slices inside the cavity, or, if desired, layer the bacon slices between the peanut butter and jelly. Close the loaf. Serve.

Yield: 1 serving (Elvis), 8 to 10 servings (others)

Approximately 6250 calories.

Trivia Time: The last meal Elvis ate was four scoops of Sealtest ice cream and six Chips Ahoy! chocolate chip cookies.

Editorial: Missing Commandments (part 6)

We've come to our final installment of Missing Commandments, fair readers, and all together we've added a total of 61 rules you should have been following all along to get to Heaven (and sorry, there's no grandfather clause. Everyone who has died up to this point is in Hell).

This last batch speaks to the pretty baby whores of the music industry, the "musicians". To those who adorn our Tiger Beat covers and poop out the indistinguishable top 40 hits we illegally download, listen up or risk spending an eternity ducking Jerry Garcia's offers to "jam."

Thou shalt not rename thineself an unpronounceable symbol.
Thou shalt not confuse "rock stars" with "synchronized dancers."
Thou shalt not ever say "the new Beatles."
Thou shalt never forget thou is a fad.
Thou shalt not think you have anything relevant to say about politics if thou art a pop singer.
Thou shalt bow out gracefully when your career is over.
Thou shalt not claim to "retire," then emerge less than one year later.