Illiterature: Science Fictionology

We ain't no psychiatrist, we ain't no doctors with degrees... but it don't take no high IQ to see what Tom Cruise is doing to... well... crazy people and Katie Holmes, we guess (or perhaps we should say "crazy people like Katie Holmes").

Sure enough, it's been non-stop-Tom this month, and since plenty of other sites have already covered his Oprah gymnastics and sexy red carpet microphone facial, so we won't dwell. Suffice to say, Maverick's on a mission to save the world, be it from the spirits of evil Thetans, or the eviler Brooke Shields. More power to ya, little buddy-- Suddenly Susan gives us the willies.

So let's all promise to not burst the guy's bubble, and make damn sure he never finds out about the recently-discovered unpublished novels of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard (seen at right e-metering a tomato). That goes for John Travolta, Kelly Preston, Kirstie Alley and all the other famous fruitcakes that jumped on the crazy train.

Aw, screw it, go ahead and tell Kirstie Alley.

Also in this series...

• That Island Over There With The Trees
• Tom Wiffloo & The Lonesome Hangnail
• The Uncut Bible

Friday Round-Up: July 1, 2005

Another week of your tedious march toward the sweet relief of death, Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration readers. But chin up, Wilbur. Maybe a well-spoken (yet slightly bitchy) spider will spin a web full of puzzling adjectives, convincing the dim-witted farmer to allow you to die naturally from disease, when you'll just be no good for eatin' anymore. While you're waiting for that to happen, enjoy the Friday Round-Up.

Advertising Bad Art - coming soon! Correction Editorial For Sale Hot Or Not? Illiterature The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval Lost & Found

Lost TV News Poetry Science! Soothing The Savage Breast Storytime Corner A Thousand Words Watercooler Wish List

Take a spin through the JEI Archives-- they're a veritable smorgasboard-orgasboard-orgasboard.

The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VIII

Sa-lute, kids-- we're back with another mealy crop of genetically-enhanced links, each bagged in burlap and stamped with the J.E.I. Seal of Approval. Come'ngitit!

• Art Frahm
  Art Frahm was a man who knew what he liked. And what Art liked... well passive voyeurism might be the the innocent way to describe it. But why try? Take a look at his paintings and read why celery + gravity = Art by James Lileks. If you don't get it at that point, then nevermind.
  
• The Stinkymeat Project
  The site is called The Stinkymeat Project. Do we really need to warn you it's going to be disgusting? But steel yourself, because it's a pretty entertaining saga.
  
• The Green Head
  Sure, lots of sites report on nifty gadgets and kooky news fluff, but The Green Head has something those sites will never have: super kick-ass Flash-animated headers. Seriously, these things make us want to hug our monitors.
  
• Funk Logic Products
  If you don't know your way around a music studio, you may scan through the Funk Logic site and not really get what's so special about it. But if you know what an effects rack is, take a look at, for example, the 3P-III Palindrometer and try to tell us you don't dig the joke. We dare you.
  

Well done, all. Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Also in this series...

• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VII
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VI
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval V
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IV
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval III
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval II
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval I

Wish List: Batgirl Barbie

Batgirl Barbie
Originally uploaded by Violentz.

Actually, it's not that we actually want a Batgirl Barbie-- if that were the case we'd just go buy the damned thing. No, deep down, I think what attracts us to this item is that we secretly want to be a Batman Ken.

Also in this series...

• Bible Bars
• Tie Fighter Desk
• Karatist Preacher

Editorial: Missing Commandments (part 5)

Now that the U.S. Supreme Court has given the OK to place replicas of The Ten Commandments on government property, you know what's coming next...

That's right, every weed-stink Rasta and tree-loving Druid is going to be filing federal suit to have whatever silly hood ornament that represents their religion placed right next to it. More power to ya, Chakka!

Here at the Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration, we say let's go whole hog (or whatever filthy animal you're allowed to eat).

Let's festoon every government building, national park, monument and military base with Zodiac charts, stars of David, Masonic compasses, Aaronic blessings, Vels of Murugan, Sigils of Lucifer, Mendes goats, Fleur de Lis, Cagliostro seals, seals of Saturn, Mjolnirs, Viking spirit ships, Swastikas, Celtic knots, Claddaghs, Triple crescents, double eagles, eyes of Ra, Orphic eggs, Shamash seals, Sufi hearts, Menorahs, Papal crosses, Scientology crosses, lions of Judah, Kokopellis, Shivas, Buddhas, yin yangs and Jesus fish until we're all full to our gills with the glory of God(s). Happy now, freaks?

Meanwhile, if you're gonna display the commandments, display all the commandments. Here's the next installment.

Thou shalt make eye contact when a customer is ordering. Thou shalt not try to upsell at the drive-through. Thou shalt not ask thine IT person for "any old computer" for thine interns, then complain about it. Thou shalt not think "lunch with an executive" is an "award." Thou shalt not layoff skilled employees in favor of unskilled consultants. Thou shalt not retain unskilled employees to avoid confrontation. Thou shalt not offer "Spanish or English" on any U.S. automated machine. Thou shalt not employ people who cannot communicate with your customers unless they are never in a position to do so. Thou shalt not "tease" important news stories. Thou shalt not add any more made-up sports to the Olympics.

Also in this series...

• Missing Commandments (part 4)
• Missing Commandments (part 3)
• Missing Commandments (part 2)
• Missing Commandments (part 1)
• Truth In Advertising
• So Much For Buying Respect
• Food Horrible Food