News: Olympics & Pans

The International Olympic Committee has decided that baseball and softball events will not be part of the 2012 London games. Well, fine by us. An informal poll across the JEI compound shows that we'd be OK with eliminating all team sports from the games. And eliminating shoes.

But the IOC gonna do what the IOC gonna do, and there's still a slew of silly "sports" polluting the greeky games. Let's take a look at a few of the thrilling events from days past no one watched on the 3am NBC triplecast:

Archery (1900-1020, 1972-) Backgammon (1960-1972) Badminton (1992-) Ballroom Dancing (1932-1936) Baseball (1992-2008) Basketball (1936-) Beach Volleyball (1996-) Boxing (1904-) Canoeing (1936-) Craps (1964-1976) Cycling (1896-) Decathlon (1896-) Diving (1904-) Equestrian (1900-) Faith Healing (1988-1996) Fencing (1896-) Field Hockey (1908-) Fishing (1924-1936) Goose-Stepping (1932-1936) Gymnastics (1896-) Hackysack (1988-1992) Handball (1936-) Hand-Jiving (1952-1964) Jenga (1992-1996) Judo (1964-) Jumping (1896-) Kick The Can (1904-1924) Log-Rolling (1980-1984) Marathon (1896-) Mountain Biking (1996-)

Mumblety-Peg (1960-1968) Parallel Parking (1976-1992) Pattycaking (1960-1964) Pentathlon (1912-) Pie-Eating (1976-1984) Pie-Throwing (1976-1980) Red Rover Red Rover (1984-1988) Rowing (1900-) Sailing(1900-) Shooting (1896-) Sit-Ups (1952-1956) Soccer (1900-) Softball (1996-2008) Speed-Dialing (1988-1992) Swimming (1896-) Synchronized Swimming (1984-) Table Tennis (1988-) Taekwondo (2000-) Tennis (1896-1924, 1988-) Throwing (1896-) Tickle Fighting (1972-1976) Tiddlywinks (1956-1960) Track (1896-) Triathlon (2000-) Tug-Of-War (1900-1952) Volleyball (1964-) Water Polo (1900-) Weightlifting (1896-) Wound Debreeding (1924-1932) Wrestling (1896-)

But there is a bright side-- had the 2012 games had been awarded to Paris, the French would almost certainly have insisted on the inclusion of their national sport, smoking.

Also in this series...

• Mississippi No Longer Burning, Itching Persists
• Get Away From Her, You Bi-yotch!
• Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties
• Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony
• Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk
• Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar
• Tough Break, Chekov
• You Was Robbed, Dawg
• Your Next American Idol
• And A Habemus Papam To You!

Friday Round-Up: July 8, 2005

Our condolences, Londoners; in the annals of history, this week will truly be known as a right motherfucker.

First, you were forced to grimace and clap politely whilst Sir Paul wheezed his way though a warbly set that ignored the last 35 years of his output, then you learn you're forced to spiff up the city and let the Olympics snarl your traffic in 2012, and then, of course, the non-funny thing.

So we completely understand that you haven't had a chance to keep up with the JEI. So to all our limey pals, we present the Friday Round-Up. Pip pip. Cheerio and all that rot.

Advertising Bad Art Correction Editorial For Sale Hot Or Not? Illiterature The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval Lost & Found

Lost TV News Poetry Science! Soothing The Savage Breast Storytime Corner A Thousand Words Watercooler Wish List

'Ow 'bout a row through the JEI Archives, gov'ner? Bob's your uncle they puts a smile on yer gob.